Augustus Young       light verse, poetry and prose
a regular webzine of new and unpublished work


Nobody likes me.
You must be unlikeable.
I’m old. That’s my problem.
Not yours, but theirs. You should think of other people.
I do. They don’t like me.
There you are. You’re only thinking of yourself. Do you ever think of liking them?
I like them better than myself. 
You don’t like yourself? Now we’re getting somewhere.
Can that be why they don’t like me?
You’ve just got accept you don’t like yourself and like others instead.
They still won’t like me.
Sorry, there’s someone else on the line.
You don’t like me.

They take all my money.
They. They take it.
They. They sometimes they give me a bit of it back.
I suppose it’s so I can give it to them again.
Who are they?
The women.
Tell me more.
There’s nothing more to tell.
Who are these women? Where did you find them?
They’re the women who look after me.
And your money.
That’s it.
So what’s your point?
They take it and give me some back so I can give it to them again. I don’t know why.
They don’t have to be women to do that.
They always are. Women. And so nice they are to visitors. You must be very happy, everybody says.
And you’re not?
I don’t know what happiness is. They take my money. I don’t know why.
And give you some back.
So I can give it to them again.
That makes sense.
Yes. Is that all?
They take all my money…

 I can’t stop myself.
Go on.
I can’t stop myself.
Doing what? 
It’s not what I do but that I can’t stop myself.
I see. It’s a matter of principle.
It’s a matter of not being able to stop myself.
You lack self-control. Is that what you’re saying?
I can’t stop myself.
Self-control is an overrated virtue. It stops you from doing things. You end up a frozen vegetable.
Are you saying I should stop stopping myself?
Of course.
But isn’t that the same thing? It’s my problem.
Not if you look at it positively. Drop the stops and say, I’m letting myself go.
I let myself go all the time. It’s what I want to stop.
Negativity. Stop it.
No. Thanks, I think I now know not what to do.
Talk to you again.
Now I’m going to stop you. 

 How could my passport be out of date? I’m not dead yet.
What do you want one for?
I want to fly.
Where to?
In the sky.
I want to see my mother.
Where is she?
Up there.
Where, exactly?
In the sky.
How long has she been there?
So why do you want to see her now?
I want to find out if I am dead.
How will you do that?
If my passport is out of date…

You should be on television.
Not you again. The deaf one.
You should be on television.
So you’re blind too.
I heard that. There is no reason to be ashamed of your appearance. It makes ugly people feel better.
So you lip read?
You should be on television.
Not very well. I’m blind.
The sound is better on the television.  

Take your hat off.
What do I do with my glasses and my teeth?